Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Introducing the Beard-O-Meter

I have developed a revolutionary scale by which to measure the greatness of things, it is called the Beard-O-Meter, and will be used almost exclusively for box breaks and product reviews. It's pretty slef explanatory, Sidney Crosby is the lowest rating on the Beard-O-Meter, with Burke Kenny being the ultimate. In between you have Ben Affleck, which is the second lowest rating, Rick Sutcliffe, which is right above that, followed by Kris Kristofferson & Grizzly Adams. Finally, at the very pinnacle of perfection, we have Burke Kenny, the undisputed full beard & mustache champion of the world ZZ Top, who quite possibly have 2 of the greatest beards ever. Even though the 3rd member doesn't have a beard, if you averaged the 3 of them out, I still think they would have the beardiest of the beardies.
For example, 2008 Upper Deck Documentary would come in somewhere between Crosby and Affleck, where as something like 2009 Allen & Ginter's would score itself a solid Grizzly Adams.

This new ranking system will be taken for it's first test run this week, as I post box breaks of 2009 Topps 206, and 2008 Upper Deck Masterpieces. If anyone has any suggestions of how to improve the Beard-O-Meter, and truly make it the world's foremost ranking system, I am all ears.
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15 comments:

  1. PunkRockPaintDecember 8, 2009 at 11:05 AM

    I will pronounce it "beardometer" like thermometer or barometer. Beer-dah-meh-ter. Love it!

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  2. SpastikMoossDecember 8, 2009 at 11:18 AM

    Amazing. I especially like the Kristofferson and Affleck additions to your beardometer.

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  3. Matt RunyonDecember 8, 2009 at 11:29 AM

    Where would Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill fall on the beardometer?

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  4. RoyDecember 8, 2009 at 11:36 AM

    Crosby=shame. Let's hope he's not the face of NHL playoff bears forever.

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  5. night owlDecember 8, 2009 at 12:11 PM

    MattR beat me to the ZZ Top reference.

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  6. Captain CanuckDecember 8, 2009 at 12:29 PM

    maybe give a product that has truly fallen or is just that terrible "The Bearded Lady"
    The ultimate in raspberries...

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  7. MotherscratcherDecember 8, 2009 at 1:52 PM

    I thought it was perfect. That is until I read the comments and Matt mentioned Billy Gibbons. I don't know how you work him in but he has to be ther, right?

    Maybe (and I know this might be sacreligious), just maybe you replace Burke Kenny with Billy Gibbons. The reason is you really can't have anyone about Kenny. After all, he is the champ. But at the same time, his fame is fleeting. He won't win that competition every year. In all honesty, he's probably not much better than any number of winners, past and future. We wouldn't have any idea who he was if someone at Topps didn't have the genius idea of adding him to A&G.

    But, Billy Gibbons. Billy Gibbons is forever.

    I don't know. Either way it's fantastic.

    I would also like to second PRP's pronunciation. I konw it's your thing but on this I must insist.

    Strangely, and completely off topic, I've always thought that it would be cool to change the pronunciation of thermometer. I'd like to get everyone to start pronouncing it thermo-meter. Just like the 2 words are pronounced seperately.

    I'll shut up now.

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  8. Field of CardsDecember 8, 2009 at 2:35 PM

    This is great.

    Rasputin would be a nice edition as well.

    Will you be encouraging the use of the Beardometer throughout the baseball card blog community or will it be legally trademarked to keep exclusivity?

    You are probably meeting with a legal team as we speak.

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  9. JD's DaddyDecember 8, 2009 at 2:54 PM

    nice work indeed

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  10. Rod (Padrographs)December 8, 2009 at 2:58 PM

    Perhaps Frank Beard (the beardless member of ZZTop) should be included also

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  11. Field of CardsDecember 8, 2009 at 3:43 PM

    Whoa...Rod's comment is pure genius. Frank Beard would rank as the worst box ever. Although it's a bit confusing, it's a brilliant idea.

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  12. thehamiltonianDecember 8, 2009 at 7:22 PM

    Love the Crosby. :)

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  13. AnonymousDecember 8, 2009 at 8:27 PM

    Very cool... damn it now I have the grizzly adams theme song stuck in my head! I loved that show as a kid did the bear die? Oh no I'm getting sad grizzly adams is dead and for some reason when I think of Grizzly Adams I think of John Denver and I still haven't gotten over that. Great my days ruined!

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  14. AnonymousDecember 8, 2009 at 8:42 PM

    yet somehow I'm taken back to a much simpler time 3 channels on TV if you had one then later some weird fuzzy station called fox came along on UHF interrupting my sorting thousands of 1980's cards all three companies ( no pun intended) what I thought for sure was going to be my fortune and college fund. boy was I right.. : (

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  15. RWHDecember 9, 2009 at 6:02 PM

    Where would the Abe Lincoln or Fidel Castro beard fall on the beardometer?

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